I had lost a baby.... my baby.

I am 40 and have struggled with infertility for around 20 years now, I have never been able to get pregnant at all. About a year ago we started to look why that was, I started looking at Fertility Clinics and what I had learned was my eggs were not viable, we always knew it was on my end because my husband was tested in our late 20's but I had never been tested before now. After finding all this out we started down the path of looking for donor eggs, we were really excited going through the steps of picking out a donor that matched our similar characteristics. We picked one out we really liked and went through the first implant but sadly they did not take, the clinic told us that, that was a possibility the first time around. the next time we had an implant done we tried to stay calm but if you have ever gone through that before you know that is really impossible. After our 2 weeks of waiting was done we got the news that I was pregnant, keeping our mouths shut seemed impossible to.

Everything I read said if you had morning sickness (which I did) there was less likely of a chance of miscarriage. We decided in the beginning to only tell family but by 6 weeks we were a little more confident about telling a few of our close friends. I went to the fertility clinic for an ultrasound in the 7th week of pregnancy, I bled a little but the doctor really didn't seemed concerned because that has happened before. It wasn't my doctor but a colleague of his who was doing the ultrasound. During the ultrasound they really couldn't find the heartbeat which meant the baby's heartbeat had slowed down to under 60 beats per minute but the doctor said he could be wrong and to wait til Monday for my regular doctor to be back. At that time they had also seen blood in the uterus which wasn't good either. My husband (Wes) and I were speechless as they explained what my body might go through but in the back of our mind we said we were fine and Monday when my regular doctor was back everything would be OK. We had to wait the weekend for Monday which made it seem like years but Monday came and we went back to the clinic. My regular doctor did another ultrasound and the baby's embryo sac was filled with blood. Again another talk in a private office about what was going to happen, another speechless conversation where you just hold on to one another as the doctors and nurses express how sorry they are and what your body was about to do.

At that moment you feel like you are the only one in the world going through this even though there are so many that are going through this too. I was pregnant for the first time ever and they weren't even my eggs, I had lost a baby.... my baby.