I can't describe the pain in that moment.

I found out I was pregnant with my second child in October of 2013. I went in for an early ultrasound and to my surprise- there were 2 yolk sacs on there! however, only one had a heartbeat. The other was measuring behind. They wanted to see me again in 10 days to make sure everything was growing appropriately. We brought our 3 year old daughter. At the appointment, I knew right away there was something wrong. I saw no fluttering of the heart and the babies didn't look any bigger than the ultrasound almost 2 weeks prior. I was shocked and angry. I had to wait 45 minutes for an answer because the doctor was not in and the radiologist couldn't give me any information. I was ushered up to the OB area where we waited again and I was told the babies had died. I couldn't fully process the information. Nor was I prepared for what it would be like to have a labor and delivery at home. I decided to let the miscarriage happen naturally. It took about 2 weeks for my body to recognize that I was no longer growing babies, and I went into labor at home.

I grieved that loss, but I got pregnant less than 2 months later. I was scared that I would lose another. Everything was going fine until 8 weeks when I coughed and blood came gushing down my legs. I thought for sure I was miscarrying. It was so much blood! We were brought to the ultrasound room and to our complete surprise, there was a healthy baby with a fantastic heartbeat. I had a subchorionic hemorrhage. Then began the journey of weekly and sometimes bi weekly ultrasounds, as well as almost weekly hemorrhages. We kept hoping that as the baby grew, it would close off the area of bleeding, but it only continued. I was just holding on until 12 weeks, hoping for the safety zone. But at 12 weeks to the day, I started what I thought was just my weekly bleeding session, until the cramping picked up and I started passing very large clots. The pain intensified to the point that I could hardly walk. I woke my husband up and told him he needed to take me to the hospital. I whipped out my fetal Doppler and right away found the baby's heartbeat, which brought some relief. We got to the waiting room and they had no rooms available. All I could do was cry. The pain was excruciating. All of a sudden I felt immense pressure and a gush. My husband wheeled me to the bathroom and I sat down on the toilet. I felt something drop onto the toilet and I reached in. It was the baby. It fit perfectly in the palm of my hand. It had all its fingers and toes, and looked perfectly formed. I can't describe the pain in that moment. I was overwhelmed with love and heartache. Then began the process of testing to see if there were underlying reasons behind the hemorrhage. Thankfully I found a doctor who would do testing for me and we are now (5 months later) on our way to planning for the next one.