I have so little of him and it hurts...

I went in for my regular OB appointment on Thursday the 12th. The doctor couldn't find a heartbeat so she tried an ultrasound. I saw the black hole where his heart should be beating and knew he was dead, but I tried to keep my hopes up. I went to the hospital where I had another ultrasound to confirm. His placenta, cord, and fluid all looked fine. It seems like he was dead for 2-3 days before my appointment.

My cervix was measured at 1cm so I was given 400 micrograms of cytotec? to soften my cervix and stadol for pain at 5pm. It was supposed to take anywhere from 12-24 hours. I went into labor at 9:50pm while they were getting my epidural ready. I had no idea what was happening, it was painful and I they kept mentioning the sack. I thought I was waiting for that to break because I had my water broken with my first son before I went into labor. I pushed about 4 times because I couldn't stop it and then the nurse told me to push slowly or else I'd tear. I slowed down and pushed one more time and Jack was delivered with his sack and placenta.

They still don't know what happened because his sack never broke and the placenta came out still attached to the sack. He had meconium in his sack so I'm afraid he went into distress, but I'm not sure. I had no pain and no indication that anything was wrong at all. No bleeding or anything. It is most likely a placental abruption, but without any bleeding or pain we aren't sure. I'm completely fine, no tearing or pain. We hope to get an autopsy done and we are cremating him. I miss him terribly and we're learning to cope.

We found out that Jack had a cord accident. I feel guilty everyday that I did not save him or even know he was in trouble. What kind of mother doesn't even know her baby is hurting. I fear that he was in pain for his last days of life. I'm pregnant again, but I am bitter. I don't want this baby, I want my Jack, I want the child I carried for 32 weeks and 3 days, the one that was taken from me. I will NEVER heal and it hurts that I have to explain why I have two children, but only one is with me because I do have two children dammit. I will never "Get over it", I will never "move on" because I am missing a piece of me and my life is empty of something that should have been there. I have so little of him and it hurts. All I ask is that you don't try to ignore his existence or the impact he had on my family. Don't pretend this never happened because it did and I will never be the same.